Click for the larger version.

Since I figured you’ve all seen enough of my face lately…

Seriously, though, the reason why I posted this is because I hate my arms. I showed a flash of tit so that there would be something else to look at too, but the main focus is my upper arm and thigh.

I remember the moment I started hating my arms, I don’t remember exactly how old I was only that I was in high school. I was talking with my dad about buying clothes or something about clothes and he told me that he wouldn’t buy me any tank-tops because I shouldn’t show my arms off because they were fat. My dad said that, he whose body type I emulate and who is heavier than me. I just about died.

I still hear his tone when he said that to me, so nonchalant. I’m sure he didn’t mean to cause harm by it specifically, it was just something he felt the need to inform me of, as if I wasn’t already painfully aware of my fat body. He wasn’t trying to be mean, but he did make me overly self-conscious about my fat upper arms.

The more I think about my dad and all the things he’s said to me over the years in passing, all the little remarks, insisting I should sit in the front when five people are in the car because I’m the largest, little things that I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be hurtful but that are. The more I think about his attitude towards size in general I realize that he’s extremely fatphobic, and a lot of fat people are.

I guess it makes sense, and I shouldn’t be surprised by that realization, but I was the first time I had it. Pretty much everyone has some fatphobia in them, I know I still do, although I actively work against it. So here I am working against my fat arm phobia, by letting you all see it in all it’s large glory.

I blame/thank Bevin for helping me with the courage to post this, though it’s still taken me all day to actually do it. Back on my HNT two weeks ago I mentioned “I have a thing about showing my arms, especially my upper arms, I blame my dad for that, so I had to cover them up with something.” She responded to the post that “unearth[ing] your upper arms” is “crucial to fat activism” and I’ve been thinking a lot about that in the last two weeks, especially with my posting of The Adipositivity Project and looking at all the bold beautiful big sexy women who are uncovered there.

I’m still not where I want to be health-wise, and I still have that inner voice telling me to keep myself covered, but I need to get to a better emotional place before I have the motivation to do all that I want to, and this is a step toward that, so enjoy.

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Yesterday (the 19th) was our three year collaring anniversary, though we’ve known each other nearly four years and met face-to-face numerous times before he collared me, he waited until the right moment to bring me that collar. It was accompanied by Norwegian chocolates which he brought from Salt Lake City to Ashland, Oregon (where I was living at the time), and lots and lots of hot heavy sex.

Since my discovery of my Domina side I have been less submissive than ever, though there were plenty of times when I wasn’t submissive before I embraced myself as a Domina, but that’s beside the point. Embracing that side of me gave me permission to explore it, which made me less keen on playing the submissive. Though, since our switching experiment last month with Onyx’s discovery of his bottom side and our decision to switch as we please I have been able to get more and more of the Dominant energy out of me, and now I’m craving submission.

Thinking back to the beginning of our relationship, in those early days even when we were fighting our own love for each other and just giving into the lust we were always Dominant and submissive, but not as much as I thought I wanted us to be. I had these desires of a 24/7 M/s relationship where I had no control and he had total control. It’s possible for others, but not quite for us. I do still desire that to an extent, but I know that it just does not work with our relationship. He has a very hard time saying no to me, and I know how to take advantage of that.

The more I look at our lives now I realize just how wonderful everything has become. I love that we both have opened up to our switch sides and that we can both tease each other and work off each other’s energy in order to enjoy every moment more instead of trying to fit ourselves into a box.

The more I look back at the past year or so, when I was trying to fit us into that box, that triangle peg in a square hole that will never fit no matter how hard you push, I wonder why I was so determined to have it happen. It did work for small periods of time, and then it would deteriorate into our usual routine. I’ve come to realize I like our usual routine! And now that it’s free to be what it is and not being pushed into a box I feel like we’re both breathing easier and enjoying things a lot more.

Still, there are times when I want the more strict D/s dynamic back and I don’t know how to ask for it yet. There are moments where I just want him to grab me by the hair and devour my mouth, or start spanking me and rubbing my cunt, or cover my nose and mouth to control my breath, or pin me down and fuck me like his whore. Yet there are also moments where I don’t want that at all, so I know it’s difficult for him because, like me, he’s still discovering the differences in me between my two power personae, and I’m still figuring out how to signal my change when it happens.

Eventually that will come, however, through our further communication and evolving it will come.

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I have a confession to make. I may have mentioned this before on here, but I don’t think I have, at least I couldn’t find anything under the oral tag. I’m really not a big fan of receiving oral sex. To some this might sound crazy, though I do know that there are others of us out there who just don’t dig it as much as we’re supposedly supposed to.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having my partner pay attention to my cunt and work it and all of that good stuff, but I’m just not too down with the tongue specifically. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy it when it happens, because I do, it’s just not high on my list of preferences. I much prefer fingers and toys to a tongue, and in thinking about it I think I know why.

I began pondering my oral sex preferences a couple nights ago when Onyx decided to go down on me. This is a very rare occurrence in our sex lives since we’ve had discussions regarding my lack of desire for oral sex, and since I don’t really care for it Onyx doesn’t tend to do it. It was a nice experience that was a bit of a change to our usual interactions, and I did enjoy it quite a bit though I wasn’t expecting it.

My clit has been very sensitive lately, often too sensitive for him to touch at times, which makes him manually getting me off rather difficult. When that happens we usually opt for a toy or for me to rub my own clit, because something about knowing where and how the finger is going to move makes it less of a shock to the sensitive clit, I think.

I was having one of those overly sensitive moments and he decided to bring some tongue action into the mix. Since I was oversensitive I did appreciate the lighter touch of the tongue vs. the fingers, but it made me realize why I don’t particularly like oral: I need pressure in order to get off, specifically pressure on my clit, and it’s hard to get as much pressure as I need from a tongue. This is why I love fingers and why I do often press so hard with vibrators that I get the horrible vibrator claw-hand which makes my hand stiffen.

I really did enjoy having his tongue on my clit, alternating with fingers as well. It felt very good but it’s still not high on my list of sexual desires. Having it every so often so that it’s a different, exciting, and enjoyable experience is just perfect for me.

Now, receiving oral on my cock… that’s a different story.

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I have this saying: people never change, they only get more defined over time. I remember coming up with it, though I was sure at the time that someone else had probably said it already, though I haven’t looked it up. It’s part of my belief in the stuff personality psychology spouts, I suppose, though at the time I came up with it I hadn’t yet started my Psychology studies. This was quite a few years ago.

This quote isn’t to say that change doesn’t happen. I have this other phrase I like to quote, this one I lifted from someone, I think my sister said it to me originally: the only thing constant is change. I like the slight paradox of it, as well as how it rings true. I do believe people change all the time too, though in different ways than the first saying implies.

The second quote has to do with the general transitive stuff: thoughts, ideas, appearance, situations, all the stuff that always changes. The first saying is all about the core of the individual, not the outer ideas. I believe as life goes on the core of us doesn’t change dramatically, it just gets better and better defined.

Like a sculpture, we start off as a large piece of whatever rock may hold appeal to each of us: granite, marble, etc. We always have a sculpture inside of us ready to be chipped away at. The image is always there, but perhaps we have the ability to decide on what pose or position the sculpture will be in, though the form will be the same. There is some kernel, some idea of the sculpture inside of the block of stone, only one thing that the sculpture will end up being, but the exact shape and form of the sculpture is dependent on all those around us who help chip away at that block, including ourselves. And the first chips are always the biggest.

I remember being told once about a sculptor who would spend days and days just sitting looking at his giant slab of rock that would once become a beautiful sculpture. When asked what he was doing he would always reply that he was sculpting, even though there were no tools in his hand. He was envisioning the possibilities and figuring out what it was that rock wanted to become before he even started chipping away at it to form it into a new whole. I don’t remember who that sculptor was, so if you know/can find out I’d be appreciative, but the message remains the same.

Change is inevitable, but there is some sort of wonderful mesh of nature and nurture that helps us continuously evolve into what it is that we become, and I’m not sure we ever get to become in this lifetime. Maybe.

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I’ll admit, I’m somewhat of a lube novice. I used to think that lube wasn’t necessary because I’ve always tended to get very wet, and usually if lube is needed we just took Jenna Jameson’s advice and used spit to do the job. We first bought a bottle of lube primarily for anal play, some generic water-based lube that did what it should without complications, though it always leaves me stickier than I would like on my own. Since trying lube for the first time, however, I’ve become a bit of a convert.

Over the course of the relationship I’ve noticed my self-lubrication has decreased rather significantly. I used to be wet just about all the time, but now, two and a half years later, it takes more to get me lubed up the right way. I think this has to do with my body realizing that if I kept producing that much juice, coupled with a dryer hotter environment, I would be dehydrated all the time, though I’m sure some of it also has to do with being in a long-term relationship and getting used to the other partner as well.

Long story short, I’ve become a lube convert. Since I have a lot of silicone toys I have stayed away from silicone lube, since together they can cause a strange chemical reaction which will basically ruin your toys for further use. But as I said, the water-based lube we’ve tried has left us both sticky and just generally not good feeling, so I wanted to try something a little different.

So, in looking at the various lube options over at SexToy.Com I was intrigued when I came upon the “Churn Style” Boy Butter, which is neither water- nor silicone-based but oil-based. I had heard about Boy Butter years ago at the sex shop in Juneau, a friend pointed it out to me, but at that time I wasn’t converted yet. I decided I should give it a try.

I was a little worried about the fact that Boy Butter does have organic silicone in it, but after quite a bit of research, including Boy Butter’s website and various other reviews of the lube saying it is all toy-safe I felt safe trying it on my silicone.

However, the major problem with Boy Butter for some is that it is oil-based. Oil-based lubes, while less sticky than water-based and toy-safe unlike silicone-based, are not latex-safe, which means unless you are using polyurethane condoms or are fluid-bonded with your partner (as Onyx and I are) you really shouldn’t use them. It basically eats away at the latex of condoms or gloves, which is definitely not safe. Though it is wonderful if you are not using latex during sex or for solo play.

Now that all the general info is out of the way, let me tell you about how Boy Butter tastes, smells, and most importantly how it feels, because that’s what you really want to know about, right? Boy Butter has virtually no taste or smell that I could detect whatsoever, but it does leave an oily feeling in your mouth should it end up there which is easily removed by drinking something. It feels damn near how it sounds: silky and smooth like butter; oily but not unpleasant, quite the contrary in fact. I found Boy Butter to be excellent especially in any sort of stroking, either stroking Onyx’s cock, or stroking my clit. Unlike other lubes, it lasts a nice long time and doesn’t get sticky, which makes it perfect for long stroking sessions.

When using it vaginally I found I needed more than I thought I would in order for it to feel right. Boy Butter creates a thin slick coating of oily lube on whatever you put it on, which wasn’t thick enough to be terribly pleasant alone, but once I got my own juices going I felt that the combination of the two was heavenly.

Anally, too, Boy Butter was a bit of a dream. It makes me think of crisco in some respects, though not quite as thick, but similar since they are both oil-based. The best part about using Boy Butter anally is that it lasts for a nice long time, so you don’t have to keep reapplying to keep the slickness the same.

I definitely recommend Boy Butter for just about any sexual activity that doesn’t include latex. It’s odorless and tasteless and lasts for a good long time. Plus, who wouldn’t want to own some “Churn Style” Boy Butter that is “a downright pleasure to spread”? The puns alone are worth it in my book.

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Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt, it’s such a good idea I decided to join in!
This week’s theme:There is an ass and it is on display.

His eyes roam over the exposed mounds of flesh, perfectly rounded and soft to the touch. Each movement closer to the edge of the bed brings a new level of excitement as he imagines what the next moments will bring. The red top she wears is pressed hard against the bed as she wiggles and moans her frustration and excitement. All she sees is darkness, even though the room is bright. Her skirt has fallen up around her waist, exposing her soft creamy ass to his view, her hands spread out on either side of her, restrained under the bed.

He licks his lips and lets a finger slide across her wanton flesh, enjoying taking his time and teasing her with the idea of violation without giving in to his own desires to slam his cock into her aching ass. All week he had told her what he was going to do to her tonight, how she would be wet even before she entered his apartment, and how he would take her in every way he felt like. She had been fantasizing and wondering about it, getting lots of teasing information but no specifics to know exactly what he had planned. Slowly he positioned himself behind her.

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My wonderful neighbormates (ex-roommates now neighbors = neighbormates in our lexicon) have become obsessed with making this gorgeous piece of jewelry above. It’s Orgonite which is “a compound of inorganic metal suspended in a matrix of organic resin. This, with the addition of a Quartz crystal point, helps to mitigate the harmful effects of certain electrical currents (EMF, ELF, i.e. cell phone, computer, etc.). We also add semi-precious stones both for beauty and because of the beneficial properties of stones.”

Basically, these are handmade pieces of gorgeous art jewelry that also help your reaction to certain negative electrical currents, if you believe that sort of stuff. If you don’t buy into it, then they are simply handmade pieces of gorgeous art jewelry, and either way it’s a win-win.

The piece of orgonite I’m currently wearing around (above) was not made specially for me, though I’m planning on getting many more. The neighbormates realized that putting a claw-hook on the necklace enables them to switch out the orgonite pieces, so I’m sure I will have many more in the future. This piece has red tiger’s eye on the sides, garnet (I believe) in the center beneath the silver coil, and a number of other semi-precious stones that I can’t remember.

I frequently take off my piece of Orgonite just to look at it, it’s that mesmerizing. Katrisa is selling them at the school where she works to the teachers and staff and they all absolutely love them as well. Since they’re all hand-made no two are alike, and they are seriously gorgeous. The picture above just barely does it justice, they’re just that fantastic.

Now, mostly this post is about me sharing, but I also can’t resist telling you where you could get your own. I designed and maintain the website Joy Water for the neighbormates’ sister/best friend (respectively), and so we put some of the orgonite up there as well for them to sell on the website, so you can see more orgonite images on there and even buy one if you wanted.

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Photograph by Andy Julia

Adult product reviews from the last seven days from all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #3? Read it all here. Do you Have a review for Pleasurists #4? Submit it here before Sunday November 23rd at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blogs if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.
Betty’s Blog-A-Versary Swag Contest deadline November 19th.
Swag Contest: Crave Ankle and Wrist Restraints deadline November 21st 11:59pm MST.
Why I Heart Yes Contest! deadline November 24th at 12 midnight AST.
Bondage Photo Contest deadline November 25th.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick
Tantus Ripple (small) by Epiphora
“he sensation was what I predicted—it certainly felt like bulbs popping in and out—but it was super pleasurable, much more so than the sensation of leaving a butt plug in my ass. This, I thought, is what they mean when they say anal play feels amazing.”

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Vibrators
Cadillac of Vibrators by Ansley Agnello
Sweet G by Ansley Agnello
Rabbit Pearl Vibrator Review by Shasta
A Wand in Hand is Worth… by Natt Nightly
Mia: by Lelo by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
Buzz Bunny by Adriana
Oh! Magnificent Vibrating Glove by Domina Doll
If You Desire a Petite Rabbit by Beautiful Dreamer
Briana Wicked Curves by Beautiful Dreamer
Babeland Slimline Vibrator by Radical Vixen
Fun Factory Paul and Paulina by Ellie Lumpesse
Vibropod by Ellie Lumpesse
Hitachi Magic Wand by Epiphora

Dildos
Wild Angel Harness and Dildo by J.D. Bauchery
The Champ by David
Cyberglass Felicity by Ellie Lumpesse

Toys for Boys
Great toy to use on a cock by Lolita Wolf
A Real Man’s Cock Ring by Beautiful Dreamer
A Sex Toy Named Bob by Em & Lo

Lube/Massage Oil
Kama Sutra Massage Therapy Kit by Essin’ Em
Wet Body Glide Original Gel Lubricant by Shasta
Warming Lubes for A Cold Winter’s Night? by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
Universal Lube by Catalina Loves

BDSM/Fetish
Leather Leash by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
Under the Bed Restraints by Betty Rocket

Erotic Books
Raunchy Review: Hydrophidian by Curvaceous Dee

Adult DVDs
Real Butch Lesbian Dykes by J.D. Bauchery
Porn 4 Pussies: Crash Pad Series, Volume 1 by Domina Doll
Femme Film Fridays-Superfreak by Domina Doll
Playgirl: Indulging in Lust by Beautiful Dreamer

Miscellaneous
For Your Nymphomation XL Adult Toybox by Ang
Silver Handcuff Nipple Rings by Betty Rocket

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I’ve realized lately just how far the extent of my lack of desire to socialize goes. Of course, it’s highly dependent on my mood, and I’ve been rather down lately, mostly because of lacking a job and the inability to get one, having no one want me basically, which really gets my abandonment and rejection issues to the forefront. When I get in these modes I just want to curl up in bed and forget about the rest of the world, which for me usually includes either a book or the internet or some combination thereof.

Though I haven’t forgotten about the rest of the world exactly, either. We went to the local protest here yesterday, and I was happy to know that there were marches like ours going around all across the nation in every state. I was proud to be a part of it, but I did have to force myself to go, because the idea of being with so many people was a little daunting. Once we were there, though, it was fantastic, and it helped me remember why I need a community, but it also made me remember that I’m not a part of the community here.

I’ve been a highly active member of the queer community since I was in high school, but I’ve been absent from my community for a long time, and even now I’m debating getting into it because I know that we are going to leave soon. I don’t want to make friends with new people at this point because I know that we are going to go to (probably) Seattle in just a few months and I hate leaving friends behind. We’re already leaving behind too many friends when we move, I don’t want to add to that number.

At the same time, I crave friendship, which is part of why I’m online so much, I think, why I write in here so much, because I’m trying to create relationships with you, because they’re at least somewhat sustainable. However, the more I think about it, I’m still very guarded and I don’t reach out as much as I want to. This is common for me, but it’s also not a conscious choice, it’s just something that I do.

After my interview for a Sundance Film Festival box office position on Friday I wanted to call and talk with someone about it, so I called Onyx, who was busy taking a certification test and was unable to answer the phone. I went through the phonebook on my phone and realized that the only other person I was comfortable calling was my mom, and she would be busy at work at that time of day. So I didn’t call anyone.

I hope to expand that list of people I can just call whenever something is upsetting me or bothering me or I just want to talk once we move. I’m sure there are others I could have called, in fact I know there were. I could have called my sister, Kat, a couple friends in California, or a few others, but I rank people in my mind who I can and can’t just talk to and, more specifically, whine to.

I do it here too, I categorize what is and isn’t appropriate by how personal it is. Sex and sexuality is definitely personal, but it’s not the same as exposing my emotions and vulnerability. I can be emotionally detached from my gender and sexuality talk, even though it is very personal, because I can categorize it as an academic discussion rather than anything sensitive.

I have a strange sense of what is or isn’t appropriate to post here, and really I should be able to post just about everything here, and I am able to but I definitely censor myself sometimes, and it may just be time to stop.

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Onyx and I have only used this a few times, though I have enjoyed it when we have. We have yet to use it on him, however, which would be an interesting experience. We do very little leash play or puppy play regularly, but I’ve always enjoyed the idea of it, and so I was intrigued when I saw it in the VibeReview website and wanted to try it out. How does one review a leather leash? Something I’ve been pondering for a while, and now you see the result:

Leashes are a bit of a staple of a BDSM toybox, they’re fun, easy and versatile and are able to create a clear definition of who is Dominant and who is submissive without too much effort. In short, they’re pretty great. They are great for keeping someone close, and can easily be incorporated into any sort of puppy play, or simply collar and lead play, both of which are pretty common.

I think the best quality of The Leather Leash from VibeReview is the thick quality leather that it is made of. Sometimes leather products, even sometimes expensive ones, don’t feel very good quality, but this one does. You can be sure that it won’t break easily from any tugging or pulling done to it.

It has a clip on one end that is easily attached to just about anything with a wide enough hole for it: collars, cuffs, nipple rings, nipple clamp chains, etc. It can be wrapped around and attached to itself, as well, making for a impromptu restraints. Your imagination can go wild at the versatility of this simple item.

The leash itself is only about four feet long, which is shorter than a lot of other leashes you can purchase I’m told, which could be a plus or a minus depending on what you’re wanting to use it for. Personally, I think that shorter is better, it means that the bottom has less room to maneuver, and also it’s a bit more intimate (though all leash play is definitely intimate). It’s a good signifier of the start of a scene as well.

Overall I’ve really enjoyed playing with The Leather Leash and look forward to much more playtime with it ahead. It’s good quality that will last for quite some time, especially if the leather is taken care of as well. If you’re looking for a good solid leash, I’d highly recommend it.

Remember: the affiliate proceeds from any toys you buy through my affiliate link will be donated x2 to The Butterfly Temptress Cancer Fund! Buying sex toys never felt so good.

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